Every day, I wake up early and push myself to train. Triathlon training has been my sanctuary, my safe place. The rhythm of my steps, the steady beat of my heart, and the sound of my breath have been my anchors through the storm. But even as I relish every moment of it, I can’t help but feel the lingering effects of my recent brain surgery.
Yes, I look normal. But am I?
I’m still getting headaches throughout the day, sometimes 24/7. Thankfully, it’s not an explosive headache. I can still do stuff but it’s there and an unwelcome reminder of what I’ve been through.
And then there’s the fatigue. A kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep seems to shake off. It’s not just physical – it’s mental and emotional.
The other day, I had to take two short naps during the day because I couldn’t focus any longer. I can go a few hours working and then something stops me in my tracks and tells me to close my eyes for a few moments.
You Look Great
Nearly eight weeks post-brain surgery, and I’m still working on getting back to who I was – or maybe discovering who I am now. This journey has been one of self-discovery, resilience, and acceptance.
I’ve realized that healing is not just about the physical wounds, but also about the invisible ones. The ones that people don’t see when they say, “You look great.”
Looking at me, you might see the same person. But inside, I am changed. I am stronger. I am braver. I am more resilient. And while I may still struggle with headaches and fatigue, I am not defined by them.
The Bee Foundation
I am grateful for the support group from the Bee Foundation, especially Tricia Scobey. She has been my sounding board, my source of strength, and my reminder that I am not alone in this journey. We share our stories, our struggles, and our triumphs. We understand each other in a way that only those who’ve walked in our shoes can.
That is why on September 14, I plan on holding a run/walk here on Long Island to give back to an amazing organization that does so much for brain aneurysm research.
This is my new normal. And while it’s different, I’m learning to embrace it. Because, in the end, it’s not about getting back to where I was but about moving forward to where I want to be.
The New Normal?
So, yes, I look normal. But am I? Maybe not. But then again, what is normal? And who decides what that looks like? All I know is this – I am me. And every day, I am learning to love this new version of myself a little bit more.
I’m taking more breaks throughout the day, when I can. And, I really need to because when I have back to back meetings, it takes everything out of me. Last night, I taught for two hours, came home and couldn’t talk to anyone. I feel bad about that but I need to take care of me right now.
Thankfully, I moved my office to my home so it makes it a bit easier.
I need to re-evaluate some of the activities that I am involved with. For example, there are various groups that meet in the evening. It was hard before because of my training schedule but now, it feels almost impossible to attend.
The things that are important to me, like writing my new book, continuing with my blogs, recording my podcasts, coaching athletes, and teaching, I will continue. After that, I will take a hard look and start backing out of things so that I can recover fully.
I will also continue triathlon training, continue pushing my limits, and continue seeking joy in every moment. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. And mine is just getting started.
